vergoldung: (if they knew how misery loves me)
Hi, folks!

So I thought to myself yesterday : Eléonore, you will not spend too much time of the internet the next few days, you need to get your ass out the door before Wednesday! (That's the day I am moving, yes. That's in two days, yes.) So of course now I am posting a huge post of all the existential musing because dude this is how I work ok.

Incidentally, does somebody else have the habit to fall into deep emo!rambling mode when doing intensive cleaning? Because I've noticed that this is something that keeps happening, so I'm thinking there's an emotional pattern there, but I'm not sure what. But in both cases it's about cleaning up things, that's for sure!

This post is actually months overdue, to the point that I was sure it was never going to happen anymore. Some of you might remember how around January I kept bitching about having things I wanted to post but how I couldn't find the right space of mind to actually do that? Well, while cleaning and organizing my mess of a room, I stumbled on this old piece of paper where I'd taken pulled point notes for the 2012 Round Up that I had planed for myself. During a small break from cleaning, I decided to type them down (on my phone, which apparently enables my emotiveness, go figure - I think it's the slower typing but I'm not entirely sure, maybe things just look less lame/ridiculous on a small screen idk). So at first that was all going pretty well, until I got to the part I hadn't written down yet (spoiler : it's the break up day) and then ugly word vomit happened. So there you go, bullet points and word vomit. And mostly, angsty things ok. Please, don't read it if you're uncomfortable with the following themes : abortion, depression, emotional abuse, fleeting mention of childhood abuse.

Second half of 2012 :
(this is actually how the writing happened originally, so I kept to it, because somehow it makes sense for me to reflect on it in this order, sorry if it's confusing)
• Kévin and I break up
• I finish my book and present it
• move back to my mother's
• get my ED under control a bit
• now that I'm not with K anymore it's a lot easier to voice my uneasiness about the problematics of our relationship
• I feel the need to talk about women, gender, gender roles and sexuality all the time
• I come full circle as far as my asexuality thoughts go : not only did I obviously undergo a radical phase of asexuality after the abortion, but this might be something that's been present preceeding that, so I really need to be more careful with the way I treat (and let others treat) my body in the future
• I finally manage to acknowledge the damage done by the molestation I suffered as a child, despite the fact that I still have difficulties speaking up as a victim and putting names on things
• I need to learn how to socialize again because as for now it's fucking terrifying
• thoughts about future and future career/professional plans - I am particularly drawn to Switzerland and Berlin
• knowledge is power
• I feel unproductive and lazy
• but I am also growing faster than ever
• just before NYE I get myself a tattoo and it feels like closure and love and all things positive
• I am really excited for NYE, I want to see people and party and start 2013 off with joy and positivity. I want to make up for last year where I spent NYE crying and mourning my child, counting the days until the terrifying d-day of the abortion
• I promised my baby that I was going to fight for myself that I was going to be happy and live life to the fullest and for the first time after one year of apathy I feel like I am getting there
• on the day of NYE my father gathers us kids to tell us that he has cancer (A fucking + for timing, daddy)
• obviously I don't take this piece of information very well and spend half of the evening sobbing out my heart because I am just so disappointed that my big happy night is ruined (hello, I am a selfish bitch)
• but the symbolism of this night was so important to me, that this just felt like the universe laughing in my face
• in the end I still went, because a dear friend of mine took me under her wing and told me that there would be nothing worse than me staying at home crying about unfair timings (which was true, I am so glad I listened to her)
• I ended up having a pretty great time, I talked a lot about my tattoo, my baby, my dad, Kévin and all the bloody, my future plans etc, and it did me a lot of good

Round up of 2012, from the beginning :
(this is also how I wrote it down on that paper, idek it made sense)
• the year started off with the loss of my baby, during which I was alone
• the abortion is followed by long months of depression and apathy, I am also dealing with an eating disorder due to complete desinterest from food, as well as total asexuality due to my utter lack of interest for both my body and my partner
• I don't care about anything, but I feel like I am doing okay mostly
• just before the abortion I have decided that when I come back I want to find myself a safe place of comfort where I can forget and distract myself with things that I like : for the first time I am considering actively interacting with fandom
• and once I come back, I do
• first I start discussing with people on ffnet until several of them redirect me to livejournal and when (after a lot of hesitating) I get on that bandwagon, that's when the fun really starts
• school and fandom are the two things that keep me alive and smiling
• I go back to researching sexuality in more details, the BDSM community especially - this opens up my eyes on many things, starting with sexual gender roles and the complex beast that is consent
• in the meantime fandom teaches me all the things I didn't know about feminism and narratives (thanks y'all!)
• I start to spend a lot of time researching asexuality and slowly I am starting to come to the conclusion that as it is right then this all hits a lot closer to home than what I first assumed
• having always defined myself as a sexual being, this is weird and I am not sure how to deal with it
• but slowly I try to (passive aggressively) establish a no sex policy, which will be source of many conflicts with K
• slow journey to questioning my sexuality in general (not just the ptsd-state, also before)
• working on my book is keeping me sane by giving me a purpose in life, there is a reason for me to go out of bed every morning
• I am completely transfering my child angst on this book and I know it, but I can't find it in me to care
• parts of me remembers how my baby told me to live out my dreams and make them big and let them live, so this dream will be a shared one - I promised to work hard, so I do
• I am really glad about the calm but caring social contact school provides me with, people worry about me but without overwhelming me
• once summer comes, I completely lock myself away from K and turn to fandom even more
• he repeatedly mentions that he's jealous of my computer (lol)
• I have a hard time finding the self discipline and energy to work on my book now that I am no longer in the frame of school
• I decide to go on fandom hiatus in hope that this will help me concentrate
• I end reading tons of HP fic instead, mostly kink, which nurrishes my thoughts on sexuality, gender, consent etc
• I don't feel comfortable in the appartement anymore (maybe I never truly did but now I care that I don't)
• communication with K because harder and harder, we are unable to work together in order to clean and organise the place, so it stays a terrible mess
• my refusal to have sex starts to manifests itself via anxiety attacks when he touches me, I am constantly ignoring him and I feel terrible about it, but not enough to actually do something about it
• his occasional drinking becomes very frequent and having to deal with his drunk only numbs me further to his feelings, when he is like that my only coping mechanism (and self defense) it to block out any empathy I have for him
• when September approaches and I know that I am about to leave Angers but that he'll have to stay in order to finish his apprenticeship I realize that I am absolutely not ready to do another year of long distance relationship, in fact I just want to be by myself and stop waiting around for things to get better because they never do
• I realize that I need to break up with him but I have no idea how to do that
• I don't feel ready to face the power that I have over him (I haven't realized yet that this is the power he holds over me)
• since I still don't know how to break it to him without making sure that he won't hang himself as a response, I decide to start with a resolution of no more adapting to him and no more lying about what I feel, like or dislike if asked (this was difficult ok, I had to start slow)
• what was bound to happen happened : we fought about cleaning (dude, always) and he was unnecessarily threatening and I was so outraged that I let it slip that this wasn't going to last forever
• when he comes home from work I pretend to be asleep and for the next two or three days we both ignore it and I purposefully ignore him and refuse any conversation, something I have never done like that before
• inevitably it explodes again, I can't remember what started it this time, all I know is that pretty fast we were in too deep and I had said things I could only take back by negating them as true (which I had promised myself I wasn't doing anymore)
• seeing as we had reached an impasse he asked me "do you even want to stay together anymore" and I just couldn't find it in me to say yes
• that's how we broke up, me ever so passive aggressively fighting my fight, but for once the results were what I had wished for
• what I hadn't wished for where the circumstances in which this happened...
• I hadn't planned for this at all, because honeslty I would have never chosen this moment for us to break up, because this was possibly the worst moment ever
• and he made me pay for that all night, like, I think this is truly his ultimate piece of work, he did it all, showed his true colors and relentlessly tried to break my resolve
• (this night ranks in my top three worst nights ever and yeah I think that says it all)
• he was never obviously abusive while we were together, not in a way that I would be able to notice and finger point at while it was happening, but that was his big night and he was dressed to impress
• so to give you a little more context : we broke up at 2 am and he was already one bottle of wine in
• you can imagine that the alcohol intake didn't carry on decreasingly yeah
• without going into all the ugly details, he made it clear that I had taken away his reason to work, live and even be good
• he told me he was going to leave forever, nevermind about his family
• of course he played the ambiguity to the fullest, to this day I am not sure if he did it on purpose or not, steadily alternating between using "leaving" literally and metaphorically
• I basically spent four hours sobbing, worried to death and drowning in guilt, at a complete loss over what to do or what to say
• for the first time in my life I experienced what it was like to cry so much that there were no tears left to cry anymore. I always thought this was an exaggeration until that day, needless to say that I've never felt number...
• no really, never, not when the pregnancy test was positive, not after the abortion, because there was always something left after. But that time I felt like I was facing pure nothingness and that the word hope was completely missing from the dictionary, all I could even conceive was waiting for tomorrow and then come what may because every ounce of fight and care had left me, I just didn't have the mental energy to do anything but sleep
• like I legit thought to myself : if you go to sleep he might be dead when you wake up, and my emotional response was inexistent because there was nothing left in me to care with it was all just exhausted numbness
• (I think this is the worst thing he ever did to me, drive me to such a state of emotional distress that I couldn't even care about death anymore)
• because the thing is, it wasn't me who decided "pff I don't care anymore", no this was like my heart had been ripped out and I had lost all ability to care about anything but my sleep, and there was one thing that I still felt : that this was wrong and that it was intrinsically unfair and that I didn't deserve this on the night before I had to go back to school in order to do really difficult and anxiety inducing binding work on my beloved book
• needless to say that when my alarm rang one and a half hour later I went to school like somebody escapes prison
• and I was just so glad to see normal, sane people, having normal, sane conversations that I almost started crying again
• the afternoon I didn't go to school, K was still here and now that he was sober we slowly started talking more realistically about our situation
• in a way he did me a favor that night because his pained cry for help was my violent wake up call and it made sure that I never deluded myself about making it work again
• the following two weeks he packed his things, I was finishing my book and day by day we reconciled
• at the very beginning I had explicitly expressed a no sex rule because I was dead worried of making things blurry
• of course he did his best to seduce me into giving in and after ten days he got what he wanted
• still annoyed that he got that because even though all the effort he put in made it rather enjoyable for once, I can't believe that even broken up he still couldn't conceive (or respect) my need for sexual space
• but really I'm the fool for being surprised
• when he left I still had two weeks left in Angers and I spent them alone in an empty appartement, sleeping on a air mattress because he took the bed, and so very depressed and lonely
• I think this is the only time I truly felt the loss of our relationship because his absence was just everywhere and I was left with so little and stuck waiting for my time to be up
• but then I was home at last and this was the last time I missed him
• for a long time I thought I was just in denial about missing him because I didn't want to admit to myself that I still cared, buuuut now it's been pretty exactly one year so either my denial is still running high or I just don't miss him because I'm just so much better without him
• at the start of this summer, so just a few months ago, I suddenly had the pleasant realization that : I don't need to feel guilty for not wanting to talk to him, because as a matter of fact I never need to talk to him ever again. He will never touch me ever again. And I owe him nothing, not a single thing.
• this was the most satisfying, relief-bringing thought I'd had in months
• good riddance!

Quickly, 2013 :
• so far has this year has been everything I wished it to be
• my father is cancer free (he was very lucky)
• I've won the fight against apathy
• I found myself a great school
• I passed my driver's license
• I have the best flist ever (seriously, thank you so much)
• I am happily doing things with real people again
• I am slowly feeling like I could handle more things (including more physicality :D)
• really life is good.
vergoldung: (j'ai raté mes mots et c'est tout)
Hello, I fail at fandom.
I've been trying to battle comment-block for a while, so if I still haven't gotten back to you please know that I'm trying to get there.

I don't really know what to do with this word vomit, other than be happy that it happened, because it was way overdue. I've been having a really angsty time over writing down my thoughts lately, so this comes as a nice surprise. Anyway, I just wanted to crosspost this here because tumblr is kind of terrible when it comes to archiving things and yeah.

Context : this is a reply to this post.

Warning : discussion of sexuality, oh and ~personal. )
vergoldung: (and when the storm's gone?)

(The lovely lady pointing at you would be Choi Jinri, just fyi.)

You can call me Eléonore.
introduction things, I guess )

If you think we might get along, drop me a line.

My policy on f-locking?
Fannish posts and rants are unlocked. But I lock my art systematically and, sometimes, fic as well. And of course the recurring existential posts, ahem. Ships and fandoms for western shows are listed in this post.


vergoldung: (Default)

April 2016



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