vergoldung: (and when the storm's gone?)
[personal profile] vergoldung
Hi there. Long time no talk.


It's always very strange to me to make a new post, when I planned out to write a post I didn't write. And in the past few weeks there have been 3 posts I almost wrote, but due to circumstantial interruptions, didn't. Now it's weird...

So let me just quickly list what never happened :

0. a drive-by post with links to my summer jams
1. a post about how I went to Sweden and had the time of my life with Ranya and Ellinor
2. a post about how I've started fanart-ing and how excited I am about it, as well as the fact that I've drawn more in the past month than this entire past year put together (which means so much to me, you don't even know, I don't talk about it a lot because my art block is one of the things that upsets too much to discuss)
3. a real life post about what's up this semester because holy shit, this is better than I could have ever hoped, lots of traveling planned with/for school, great classes coming up, going to see INFINITE live with Myriam, Ellinor and Vera (can't wait 2 see u!!!), and most what even of all : flying to NYC for one week on Monday??? unbelievable, tbh.
(4. a rant post about phone sex etiquette /bye) hilariously this post was the closest to actually happen because my rage was so grand I just needed to freaking get it out of my system in order to stop fuming, but then just as I arrived at school and set out to start typing, one of my professors walked by and I had to chase them to clear important work questions which ended up taking over 2 hours to settle, after which my rage had died down. so even though I'm sure some of you would have had a good laugh at this post, I was no longer in the mood to rile myself up again.


Okay so now on to today's post! Which will be a continuation of the previous points, since I cannot remember the topic I wanted to discuss, for whatever reason. Let's just wing it and ramble some more.

  • Remember that I said I'm going to NEW YORK NEW YORK earlier? Well that is happening tomorrow, so I'm half bursting from excitement, half freaking out from stress, lol. I've already pestered Alex and Liz for tips, but any NY recs are still welcome!

  • Another thing that's happening in my life is this very awkward "waiting to be ready to break up" situation. Apparently it must be a fall thing, since last year I was battling the same problem (which was solved through rebound, which I am now currently struggling with #lol). At least this time around there is an actual relationship to break up, so I'll consider that progress?

  • I kind of want to make an art post, but at the same time I want to get that one drawing done first and I have been super blocked on the final touch which is the face /hahahahahhh. I'm considering doing another draw!meme thing, but at the same time I'm a bit worried that it might enhance my minor block instead of solving it, so idk idk.

  • Also : I've done really well on my organic chemistry exam, please congratulate me. I've finally cleaned up my bedroom, please congratulate me even more. I am, in a seriousness, considering posting before and after picture for you to understand what I mean when I say that this is nothing short of a miracle.

  • Overall, and ignoring the internship report I still haven't handed in, I've been extremely good at adult-ing those past few months. I'm still struggling a lot taking care of many things, but at the end of the day (or more like week, lol) I still get it done and that's what really matters to me. When I look three years back, where I couldn't even be trusted to feed myself once a day, yet alone take care of administrative chores... I've made such enormous progress. And I'm so proud of myself for that. It's going to sound obvious or stupid maybe, but it's so crucial for my mental health to feel like I'm moving towards being a reliable adult. (Whenever I feel like I'm not, it immediately starts my spiraling into terrible self-flagellation along the lines of I took a life for nothing, this was supposed to be about me getting my shit together in order to be /ready next time/ but I'm just wasting this opportunity to grow. And I know it's not a fair thought to have but in my heart it feels so deeply disrespectful of the choice I made. Because I told myself that I was choosing myself in order to be a more reliable future parent. So when I'm feeling like I'm not getting there, it just kills me.) That's why I think that it's so important to take a step back once in a while and just acknowledge to myself how much progress I've made. Because yes, I'm getting there. It's taking time and that's normal. But I'm truly getting there. Every time I pause and objectively look back I notice that I'm yet a little closer. And that feels good. Seeing that, yes, I can run a household pretty neat, yes, the majority of the time I take proper care of myself, yes, I manage to respect administrative dead line and take care of my taxes like a boss, yes, I'm being more honest with myself and others...it's so rewarding and reassuring and gives me hope. It's not always easy to remember that on the bad days. But I believe in myself more these days and that confidence is becoming harder to shake.

  • Somewhat related, I'm considering ditching my pill, because I've been having uncomfortable mood switches lately, that I'm not sure are 100% circumstantial. But at the same time, I have zero time to go to the gynecologist for a different prescription. And I'm worried that a new formula might just be worse, since I'll have to go through all the adaptation stages again OTL. A very tiny part of my brain is considering dropping hormonal contraception altogether, but also, lol no. Ugh, ovaries.

  • The only fandom thing I did recently (aside from uncompleted fanart for Kelsey's fic) was watch unREAL during my exam prep. And basically I love every bit of awfulness this show chooses to be. The writing is seriously so ruthlessly on point. I'm eating it up.




Ok that concludes my terrible talk post. Let's wrap this up with a good old meme, to help you in case you have nothing to say to me in the comments. Stolen from Alex, because ofc.

if I were the queen of something, what would it be?
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